I’ll tell you when you think life is going to be smooth sailing, in my experience, that’s when the air seems to thin and things really feel like an uphill climb on top of Everest.
I was high on my 30th birthday miracle but started to feel down upon returning to my regular routine. I wanted to go back and stay there. It was fun to be anonymous and virtually unknown in a beautiful place like San Clemente.
It was a slow simmer but something wicked was brewing. First, I had barely any money coming in and I was told I would have to pay back my Pandemic Unemployment Assistance. Apparently, many people got letters that said that. So I chose to trust but still it was very unnerving that Unemployment could even baffle to ask someone to pay them back when it was assistance that was given during an emergency.
Around this time, I had just become a Beachbody coach agreeing to the monthly fee but felt absolutely devastated having learned after signing up that I would have to meet a minimum purchase requirement as a coach. With $100 a week coming in at best at this time, I knew I had to trust God now more than ever to provide so I could be an “active” coach otherwise people couldn’t technically sign up with me.
From here, I saw the return of a phantom someone I never thought I would hear from again: Mr. Suncoast.
But before I get to that, let’s keep going with the story.
I started believing that I just had to trust the unfolding but in September I was plagued by this incredible period of absolute anxiety over the fact that my parents still haven’t been able to get a new roof, and even started worrying about it intensely until a friend basically calmed me down by quoting Matthew 6:34 to me.
Yet, each new day I woke up believing God was going to come through somehow.
From here began this very strange period where despite waking up and working out and showing up on my story every day, I felt very isolated and alone. I believe it was a dark night of the soul. If you’ve never experienced a night of the soul, here’s some graphics that can help you.
Basically I felt like a lot of stuff was coming up that hadn’t in a while and I started to feel like I wanted to leave social media. I lost a few “soul tribe” friends and recently had to remove people off my launch team for Sticks and Stones because they were outright not doing their part. In terms of the friends, they were very one-sided people and my eyes were very open to how much they truly didn’t care about me but were just on my social media observing everything but not meeting me halfway at all. The crimes they committed range from one being very self-absorbed and ungrateful for gifts I gave her, to a tarot reader who basically wouldn’t talk to me about anything regarding me unless I booked a reading with her, and the final one was a Christian who truly didn’t reflect Christ to me at all: she even stopped sending me letters but had no problem cashing a check I sent her for a medical treatment on my 30th birthday and never sending a thank you.
Then, my book was almost ready to come out, and I sent it to an interior designer to ensure it would be properly formatted as both a hardcover and an ebook, and we were all set to start on September 30. Then, she basically had the wrong book file the entire time. Not sure why or how she got the shorter unexpanded version of the book but she did and instead of making sure it was the right file, she formatted two different times the wrong file. And then didn’t answer my emails for 3 weeks, and it turns out that she chose not to work with me. It was really quite inconvenient.
Before this unfortunate stall in my publishing process, I held a giveaway for the (soon to be) out of print version of the book or first edition.
That turned out to be quite a positive thing because God asked me to give as many copies away to whoever voted for it in the Book of the Year contest in order to reach people struggling with mental health issues specifically suicidal thoughts because I held the giveaway in honor of Suicide Prevention Month.
And surprisingly, I was able to send the books all over the world without any struggle.
I decided to trust God wholeheartedly that a job would finally manifest into my reality. And I wrote in my manifestation journal: I get hired for a job by October 15, 2021. Why that date? Well, that was going to be Tampa Pro weekend, and I really needed money to go to Tampa Pro.
Turns out, I got a call for a job on October 13, 2021. Without saying which company I’m working for I will say, I was so excited. The job is literally near my house, part time, and customer service oriented. I was very excited to get it. It’s a company I’ve wanted to work for since I was 14 years old. Which company do you think it is? I will reveal the answer once I’ve been there 90 days.
The problem I had was that due to not having a physical job since leaving that toxic employer, I was very very anxious. This anxiety (now that I know I have Asperger’s) manifests as sensory overload that causes me to basically appear like I have no brain, and can’t think. Which led one of my managers and I to get off on the wrong foot and I believed she had a problem with me, and then I was asked to take a make-up shift by a male manager and it turns out it caused all the women in any and all authority positions to act like a literal kangaroo was called in to do the job for a day. They all appeared very triggered by me being there. It was unsettling and I was very upset.
Turns out, after praying for that manager and beginning to pray for all my coworkers by name ( I do that with every job), I’m really becoming part of the team. My coworkers even say I’m very funny, and one even made me an origami heart, and another bought me a lemonade.
I still plan to stay detached from “making friends” here because of the experience I had at the other employer but I’m still making sure to have fun at work.
One thing I really am grateful for is that no one makes you feel inferior for making a mistake. They teach you how to correct it, and no one makes you look like an ass in front of the customers.
Then, after taking a week long hiatus from social media I returned, just in time to share live pictures from Tampa Pro and the Jonas Brothers. For more on that visit thesmartcookiephiles.com.
The funny thing was all this time, my Instagram was openly being watched by a certain person who most people know of from my poetry book called Mr. Suncoast.
On September 3, he openly watched my IG story and then for about 27 days he disappeared. I thought nothing of it because one time watching someone’s story means absolutely nothing but then on September 30, he watched it again. And then every day he would watch it from the start until the end. He never missed one story.
So I started doing fun stuff on Instagram like unboxings and showing my face more on the story. I mean I did that anyway because as an avid user of social media, I understand that the way to build your platform is to show up and be consistent but even before becoming a coach, I felt like showing my face and talking to my followers created a personal touch.
It showed them what I looked like in real time, made them feel connected to me on a personal level, and they learned what I was up to that day, laughed at funny memes or reels I found, or just read some of my innermost thoughts. I pride myself on being 100% myself on social media.
And even more so on Instagram since it is my most successful platform to date.
I tried two different times to send him an Instagram DM but it went unanswered and unread.
Then, I also noticed that on his Facebook, he would share all of his posts publicly including a call to his favorite local bar that invited anyone who seen the status to come out.
One Saturday after he posted that, I felt like he wanted me to come there but unfortunately it was after 10:30 at night and I had just gotten off of a 8 hour shift working at my new job where I spent the entire shift training on the computer so I was tired, and felt oddly very emotional.
So I decided not to go. Well then I noticed that he started watching my story only a few days a week, and then the week of before Halloween, again he watched every story.
He posted a new selfie on October 21 which I bravely went and liked despite that he didn’t follow me but was religiously watching my story like my biggest fan.
The Monday following when I felt intuitively like he wanted me to come out to that bar, he basically removed all his Instagram posts.
I never texted him in all this time because I really felt like if he watched my story, he would eventually reach out or say something.
Unfortunately, he never did that.
- Not when my dog Hazel had to be put down the day after coming home from Tampa Pro.
- Not when my parents cars were vandalized and someone actually popped all 8 tires on their cars.
- Not when my mom broke down in her rental car while I was at work, having a rather hard shift with that manager.
Then, he didn’t watch my story on Saturday October 30 but he did watch again on October 31.
Then, he watched again until November 3, and then he randomly didn’t show up to watch my story on November 4 and November 5.
And I was absolutely confused but intuitively I felt like something was going on with him, or worse that he judged me for my very open story content. How I shared almost everything. Or that he hated seeing guys comment on my pictures and like my selfies. Although on Tuesday November 2, 2021 I went to that bar to check it out and it turns out that he knew it. Not sure if he thought I went there with some other guy but I was there with the only person I ever ask to do anything fun: my mother.
I honestly didn’t know what to think but I felt God to compel me to finally send him a text to apologize for bothering him and wish him the best. The sign I got that it was time to reach out:
I didn’t expect him to reply. Matter of fact, I thought it would go unanswered like all the other times. So I sent him one of the poems from my new collection. One no one has read, and one that is set to be the last poem in the collection. It’s called For What It’s Worth and basically sums up my feelings for him very succinctly while also summing up how we met, how much there was this crazy sexual energy between us, and how I still think the world of him but I accepted recently that if he never came back, I would just be happy to see him be happy even it wasn’t with me. That’s how you know you truly love someone.
He started with his usual response: Who is This?
I was shocked. He actually responded. And then he kept replying after that but instead of us having a heart to heart and clearing the air between us, we had a very harshly worded conversation.
His response when I told him that this poem and the book overall were about him and how it felt to work alongside you etc.
Then, we had a very emotionally detached argument about social media but he did keep replying but what he was saying overall was very hard to read.
I asked him why he had been watching my story and he acted like he thought he followed me on Instagram.
Then, because he had to get up for work and wanted to avoid me prying further into his true intentions and feelings he goes:
I left him alone for a few days but started to get a little nervous because he still hadn’t followed up or said anything. So I checked his social media and guess what?
I saw this meme:
It instantly made me feel like he rejected me instead of trying to make things work between us. And so I sent him a text to which I got an “Hola” as a reply.
The next morning, I checked social media and found he blocked me on Facebook again.
So I sent him a text telling him that I not only noticed but I also mocked that meme and said I guess you really would rather be single than talk things out with me, followed by Goodbye.
Yet, I truly didn’t want to say goodbye. He’s my muse. I need him in my life in some capacity. Even if only as a fantasy inside my head.
To think that he would never speak to me again this time hurt a whole lot because I also found that he blocked me on my brand new fitness Instagram.
The day I sent him that goodbye text was 11/11. And I had ordered a quick tarot reading from a reader I didn’t know in order to gain clarity when he stopped watching my story.
The funniest thing was this actually gave me peace that lasted the rest of this day because it shows how there is a defensive energy between us but apparently he is scared to death of his feelings for me.
I cannot fathom that at all. In most love stories, all the ones I’ve read anyway, when a guy realizes he loves a girl, he instantly stops whatever he’s doing and physically goes to find her so he can tell her face to face.
Am I happy that I had to tell him over text that he is my muse and I still feel the same? Absolutely not but I do feel as though God wants me to give all my energy to other things right now:
- My new job
- Getting a second job
- Putting the book out
- Saving so I have a marketing budget and or trip money for 2022. (I need to get to San Clemente again for sure)
- Spending time with my dogs as my family is truly going through a rough time right now between still needing a roof, losing our dog, and losing both of their cars to vandalism.
I also feel like I need to change up some of the things I’ve been afraid to change in regards to romance and love for a long time due to trauma from an ex.
I will say that shortly after becoming a Beachbody coach I felt confident enough to publicly change my relationship status to single because I no longer felt ashamed of it.
Yet, I know I can do more to work on myself and become the best possible partner for whoever I end up with.
I can start trying to learn to cook and become diligent about it.
I can take driving lessons so I can overcome my sensory overload/anxiety issues while driving.
I can start going to bars more or places by myself so people might be (guys specifically) may actually approach me and I may actually meet people.
Will I be pursuing Mr. Suncoast anymore? No. I still love him and everything but I am very conflicted about his actions following that text and me finally telling him how I feel.
Emotionally unavailable is my type for sure but this one at least I can never hate or seek revenge on. He gave me too many good moments in a time when I honestly didn’t understand myself or felt lower than low.
And for me, it will never truly be goodbye but I understand I have to stop holding onto him like he’s the only fish in the sea.
We each owe it to each other to live our lives to the ultimate fullest and not stress being single anymore.
I wrote this poem on Monday morning (11/15). It’s called The Word Goodbye.
Yet, I haven’t slept since I sent him that goodbye text and I realized it was because I honestly didn’t get closure; I got more confusion.
And I didn’t get to finish telling him everything so last night, I was up until 1 a.m. and I wrote him a final letter that was 14 pages long and told him everything I could think of to say or felt like needed to be said. I thought about sending it to him but I don’t want to only because I want to be diligent about not reaching out again.
I really want him and I to only get closure or talk again when he’s emotionally available and that day may never come so I realized last night that I must solely leave this in God’s hands and be free of it.
Not look at his social media anymore.
Not text him anymore.
Not even do anything that would be seen as me burdening or bothering him at all.
Why? Because I love him and I want him to heal so he can be happy, again, even if it’s not with me.
And I also unblocked him on all my social media platforms because I didn’t see the point blocking him in the first place.
In the letter I wrote him last night, I openly state that the only reason I’ve ever blocked him on social media is for two reasons: because I wanted him to reach out directly and because I can’t stand watching him follow other girls and like their selfies when honestly he could do so much better than girls who use way too many filters on their pictures.
I wish things turned out differently and right now I could be writing this with miraculous news: I have a boyfriend etc.
But no, it’s not how things panned out and I refuse to let it define me or deter me from my overall life purpose: inspiring others and encouraging others who are struggling in their own pain and darkness.
Like I’ve stated in a previous blog: I am happiest in my life when I’m not worried or even concerned about my relationship status.
I am happiest when I’m solely living to make the most of every day so please excuse me for having a very weak girly moment but I’m done chasing anyone. I promise future me that I will start beginning to make things easy for her by focusing on God, my goals and being a light.
No more; no less.
Until next time, remember: God’s got a plan, and he cares even if things are all over the place for you as well.
Need peace? Pray this with me: