#WriterRevelations: Lighting Up The Dark

Twin Flames, Walking Away, and Finding Out I Have Asperger’s after 28 years….

I guess you could say that maybe I’ve been making a mountain out of a molehill. I recently went to my therapist for the first time in over a month and once I voiced some of what was weighing me down…I couldn’t understand why I was letting it bother me so much.

Oh right. You weren’t a fly on the wall or listening in through my phone’s microphone.

Let me back up a bit and explain what has happened since it’s also been a while since I last talked to all of you.

I was scheduled for an appointment with a psychologist for my Asperger’s evaluation at around 3:30 p.m. I arrived at 3:20 but the sign in the waiting room said wait here and Dr. So and So would be with you shortly. With COVID-19 regulations still in place, I didn’t want to rock the boat so I waited and I waited. At close to 4 p.m. after not being helped for nearly 30 minutes past my appointment, I knocked on the door and the doctor welcomed me in and we began the evaluation process. I had never done one before but I was curious as to what it would entail. Spoiler alert: it isn’t very fun. Matter of fact, it’s like the initial visit with any doctor but instead of just talking medical history, this particular evaluation comes with you unloading your soul within the confines of that office. I basically had to openly verbalize my entire life story but only if it pertained to the question. As an INFJ, I only answer what I believe fits for the moment in time. If i feel that the information doesn’t relate to the question in that it reveals too much or just feels too personal, I keep it to myself so basically what I unpacked within this two hour evaluation was personal history. My childhood growing up, my dating history, whether I had friends, any traumatic events or experiences, etc. This doctor did exactly what he was supposed to in regards to checking off the boxes he needed to diagnosing me with Asperger’s but his words haunted me long after I left his office.

I openly told him that I felt better mentally and emotionally than I had in a long time which then became ironic because following that visit, I was entirely disturbed.

What haunted me most about the visit was obviously the act of talking openly with a seemingly judgmental stranger about the trauma I’ve experienced definitely didn’t make it easy. It also felt like everything I said was met with a condescending observatory comment. After I told him about the incidences of sexual assault I suffered as a child, we reached my high school years.

He asked, “So you never dated in high school?”

I answer, “No.”

He then asked, “You never went to prom?”

I answer, “Oh, I wanted to go to prom my senior year but my parents told me I couldn’t because they didn’t have the money, and also discouraged any further rebuttal from me with the notion that I didn’t have a date anyway.”

He then goes, “How did that make you feel?”

Me: “It basically sucked because I could have went alone. I was never ashamed of it, and I knew all my friends would be there.”

He then blurts out, “Honestly, when you took your mask off, I was absolutely taken aback because I initially thought she has to be the prettiest girl who is inquiring about having asperger’s I’ve ever evaluated. You are very stunning and attractive so it honestly surprises me that you’ve never had a boyfriend. You seem like you basically could have stood up in the lunchroom and said you needed a date to prom and you would have gotten someone.

Me: (blushing) Thank you.

Then, we talked about several other things that I felt he shallowly notated but based on his final report, he misconstrued. He not only thought it was awkward that I have a passion for street skateboarding but that I had a crush on Ryan Sheckler for most of my teen years and the beginnings of my college education. He even misconstrued my recent traumatic experience at that toxic workplace.

As it relates to Asperger’s, I guess my love of skateboarding looks a bit off kilter to those who know I’ve never skateboarded myself or don’t know I’m a writer. Yet, for me, the skateboarding community has always been a kindred spirit for my artistic creative side. If you have ever seen a skateboarder do a trick, you can’t argue that it’s both physically mind-blowing and artistic the way their bodies hold on to the board, that get up after falling (even when they break bones), and the culture associated with skateboarding is also inspiring to me as a writer. I still don’t get how that relates but whatever your degree tells you qualifies me for the condition, I’m not going to argue with you on.

I ended up getting diagnosed with the condition which I wasn’t at all surprised by. I’ve always felt unconventional and awkward so at least now I better understand why that is.

The video below shares more about the symptoms I have as well as the difference between Asperger’s and Autism.

I was entirely disturbed that he didn’t understand why I was depressed most of my life, never had a boyfriend, and how he unknowingly made me hate myself for a good two weeks following the evaluation.

He claimed I was smart and pretty so it didn’t really make much sense. Honestly though, you could start there. Being pretty means people treat me like I’m invincible, have little to no feelings, and that I always get what I want in life. Being smart means I struggle to connect with ordinary everyday people because they lack the intelligence or don’t get my jokes.

I try to find common ground with anyone because as someone who can’t understand herself why my “pretty girl privilege” has not landed me a boyfriend at all, I truly don’t see myself as the prettiest or smartest person. I have a vessel mentality. I am the messenger but the glory should just be showered back on God. On a related note, I have never felt conventional my entire life so I’ve never done the normal thing: looked to be married, build a family, etc.

This graphic basically sums up what I’m trying to say here: nothing wrong if that is what you want out of life but I just want to make a difference and live a fulfilling life. For me, fulfillment looks like writing books that people crave, helping people without expecting a thank you, and traveling the world and seeing as many new places as my little heart allows.

Do I want to be loved back? Well, of course I do. Doesn’t everyone?!

I don’t really think I have to justify why I don’t have a boyfriend. I’ve tried and tried but unfortunately for me, most of them were boys who had yet to discover they were called to be men.

I’ve never really made dating a priority. And I never wanted to marry for money or fame. I want that love story because it happens naturally. Almost out of nowhere. Entirely unexpected but changes you from that moment on.

For those that have yet to read my poetry book, you don’t really know the story about me and the last guy but before I get to him, I think I should prove to the world that I’ve had suitors just no one that suits me.

My childhood love story? You read that on Valentine’s Day 2020.

I’m sure I don’t have to talk about all the crushes I had through grade school but there was at least 30.

  • When I was in college, I settled for trying to date this guy who was the cutest guy on campus. He believed he was God’s gift to women, and he had the harum to prove it. Yet, I wanted to be the girl who changed his worldview. Yet, he was Albanian. I had trouble realizing that he wasn’t right for me at all. Like we didn’t really share the same views on anything but I guess that’s what I liked about him. He made me all fired up and hot and bothered.

I ended up learning Albanian for him, and even got my license because of him, and took to learning more about how to be a little more domesticated. I tried to learn how to cook and bake because I figured that’s a good skill to have if I ever want to be a wife.

Unfortunately for me, I was unaware that no matter how much yogurt I added to the Albanian cookie dough batter, they were always bound to come out of the oven and crumble. Our love story was equivalent to those cookies I made. Tasteless and destined for detriment.

Following him, there were many more suitors not suited for me.

  • A young black man from the islands who had a history of racial prejudice due to an ex’s father and how she treated him while they were dating. We had the same taste in Christian hip-hop but when things started getting real, I blocked him on everything because I was afraid to be vulnerable with him, and believed he was going to judge me or my father for his issues with alcohol.
  • In late October 2018, I began really living my life enjoying who I was. I went on my first overseas cruise and visited the beautiful Bahamas and Turks and Caicos islands. And just when I swore off love being real, I met a cute Indian man who worked on the ship. After leaving the ship, I was hoping I would reunite with him but didn’t expect him to find me on Facebook and message me. We talked for a good few months before he asked me to come down to Miami for the night and he would take me out. He even offered to pay half my bill.

Yet, my mom popped my rose-colored bubble about him when she told me he most likely didn’t want to go to the bookstore in Miami but he surely was looking to have an in-port ron de vu.

After talking to him over the phone a few times, and realizing he couldn’t hold a conversation with me at all, I ghosted him because I realized I was way more into the guy I had met and worked alongside at the new job I had just started.

  • And so here we are, back to square one…Mr. Suncoast. The guy I never expected to meet let alone fall in love with. Now most people know that he ended up ghosting me in early February of this year, and I’ve still had trouble understanding it but now that people have read my poetry collection, I am not alone. One of my dear fellow writer friends even reached out to me recently regarding it. You can see his reaction and many other reader’s reactions right here.

One thing I have yet to share publicly is that he actually unblocked me as of September 28, 2020. From there, I have found out that he’s newly single and finally living a happy life. He still works there but he seems to be doing much better without the influence from that toxic girl he was dating.

There is much more to the story but I am a huge believer in respecting that it’s not my story to tell.

Yes, that means he hasn’t reached out.

And following that evaluation, I became obsessed with figuring out how I would get him to.

It’s truly not faulty wiring or even due to Asperger’s. It’s due to the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking of him.

I think the weekend following that evaluation, I went to watch a Hallmark movie with my mom and instantly regretted it. It made me mad. And my mom even noticed.

She goes, “What happened to you? You had a weird face and then you left the room while the movie was playing?!

I shrugged it off but I knew why I got mad. It’s just heartbreaking to me sometimes. Love and dating seems to be so simple and so effortless for everyone but me. And to top it off, I still don’t understand what went wrong with the last guy, and I will openly say I’m still not over it. And being that we were never officially an item, I never feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I didn’t even get to tell my therapist this last session.

Then, on Black Friday, my parents took me to Busch Gardens and while there I was bombarded by the memory of him re-enacting the new launch coaster there, and telling me about how he spent his birthday.

I don’t even wear my Ariana Grande perfume because it brings back memories of him, and how at the end of my time there, he smelt it in the office and it made him want blueberry muffins.

Yet, since I released the book, I decided that the best thing for me to do despite my INFJ ways is to surrender the care of him to God completely and also leave it entirely in 2020. I mean I believe he could still reach out mostly because I believe us to be twin flames(I will get to that later) but at the same time, if he doesn’t. It’s not personal. It’s just how the story was meant to go…and you can’t argue with the author of humanity.

Speaking of releasing my book, it’s got lots of positive reviews and it’s reaching and resonating with people from all over but this book was entirely the hardest thing I ever did this year, and I honestly feel similar to a mother who just gave birth. There was blood, there was sweat, and by golly Ms. Molly, there was tears.

Leading up to the announcement, I was entirely excited to share that I was putting out a book. I really couldn’t wait to see how many people would be thrilled for me, proud of me, etc. Yet, like everything in my life, I didn’t allow myself to have any unrealistic expectations about it.

Yet, the announcement itself didn’t get the engagement I thought it would. And I just thought maybe it was that people didn’t care, they were sick of me talking about this (toxic workplace, ghosting, trauma, etc). Yet, that’s the entire point and why I knew I had to share the book. When I did my testimony with unemployment, I never talked about that much either but my state was entirely eyes wide shut about it. The guy who did that testimony didn’t let me share about the trauma but instead made the entire testimony about my performance as an employee and even worse, believed the employer’s lies and endless denial of all incidences mentioned.

I didn’t get upset that I didn’t get awarded the money but I did feel like my story was being swept under a metaphorical rug, and it struck a nerve with me. I thought to myself, “Ok, I know that I’m not the only one out there that people call a liar and don’t believe initially but I am entirely sick of it.” This has to be out in the world. People need to know that managers shouldn’t treat their employees like this or they need to know how to speak up or create change within those dankly dark workplaces much like mine. And women everywhere and men too are being sexually harassed, assaulted, even raped and when they speak up about it, they are told that it’s not true and it didn’t happen.

And that feels heartwrenching when it really did happen to you, and you feel awkward first of all that it happened to you in the first place, and secondly feel entirely vulnerable having to discuss it again.

Basically, I knew I had to put this book together so that women and men everywhere felt safe again, felt less alone again, felt heard, seen, and less like a joke and more of a brave and powerful human.

And I also wanted it to represent a few things that this culture doesn’t allow to be represented:

asexuality, mental health issues, suicide ideation, etc.

And even the “pretty girl privilege.”

Turns out, following the election, Instagram (where I made my main announcement) had turned off recent hashtags which drastically dropped the engagement of most everyone but exclusively it left me ( a writer and publicist who was over the moon excited to put out this powerful poetry book) utterly isolated and alone when it came to announcing my book. Then, after two weeks of not being able to do anything related to my to-do list, I finally got resolve and my book was available via Kindle and Paperback. If you want to know more about my entire publishing process, please enjoy this 21 minute video about it.

I have since been renewed about my book and the fact that I self-published it because over this past weekend, I rented The Man Who Invented Christmas and it was extremely encouraging to me because even as a kid, I was obsessed with Charles Dickens but I had no idea the story behind him writing the Christmas Carol. His publisher didn’t support the idea and they were stealing his royalties from him anyway so he decided he was going to do everything himself and this was in 1832. It became his most famous book and a best-seller. He sold all the original copies of the first print the day it was released. There was a line used throughout the movie that also was entirely inspiring and I believe it myself. Another great thing about the movie was that it helped my mom see what it’s like inside my head at any given time, and even Charles Dickens was interrupted while writing the Christmas Carol so I guess it happens to all writers who live with big families. Haha.

I left Instagram as of December 14, 2020 and have since felt so much better mentally. I understand that I can’t be gone forever but I think logging out daily really is the trick to leaving well-enough alone and just connecting with people as I always have but as far as the fact that a second-rate poem gets 1000 likes and 45 comments and my poetry excerpt gets 50 likes and two comments is no longer going to be a measure for my worth and value.

After leaving Instagram, I ended up trying to build up my TikTok, and in a short amount of time found that the algorithm is less biased and entirely friendly. I’m having fun, and I don’t feel pressure to post all the time or prove anything. On Tiktok, anyone can create videos and they can be entirely themselves.

My favorite guy on TikTok?! This one right here:

Here are some of my faves so far that were not writing related…

@lmarg33

and that’s not even MENTIONING childbirth #foryou #NeedToKnow

♬ pregnancy is a horror movie – linds 🌿
@spicysicilianmami

This is extremely vulnerable but I wanna hear some thoughts in the comments 🧐

♬ original sound – ❣️L E A H❣️

I will be returning to Instagram in the New Year but I will not be putting in the effort I once was. It went from being my favorite network/platform to being my least favorite so quick and yes, it all boils down to how it seems like the only posts I share that get a lot of traction or comments are ones of my face, and that annoys me because I hate when people box me in by the way I look.

Yet, I just felt compelled to share this with everyone and since this is my last post in 2020, I want to share some things I will be walking away from in the New Year but before I get to that I want to talk about the power of the twin flame phenomenon.

It’s not a new-age concept and it’s not some weird hip hashtag on social media. It’s literally in the Bible. From Genesis where we see the creation of the divine masculine and divine feminine with Adam and Eve, to further proof with Samuel and David. See more evidence here.

And Twin Flames are not always romantic, sometimes they are friends or even just a catalyst for you becoming your highest self.

A twin flame is this idea that one soul becomes dispersed into two bodies and when these two people meet, it’s like something you can feel within you that this is your twin flame.

I just think it’s best for me to not worry about the details anymore and leave the entire thing in 2020, and up to God.

God knows I prayed for him every day since I started working there and I still pray for him every day even now.

I am naturally a confident person. I don’t care if people label me or don’t like me.

Yeah it hurts and I’m not sure why certain people just hate me like I’m leprosy or global warming or dare I say it…COVID-19 but you can’t please everyone.

I just stay being me. I’m an optimist with a sunny outlook but I have days that the shadows inside my soul creep up on the walls around me, and scare even me into withdrawing and not being out there and among the people, but I think it’s the deeper part of me…dare I say it? It could even be the part of me that I love from which is why I love so deeply and so all or nothing.

But I’m very self-aware and that freaks people out because they would rather blend in than stand out…and I can’t make people join me on my crazy train I can just offer them a ticket and hope they don’t mind going off the rails every now and then…

So yeah, you can think what you want. Matter of fact, I encourage you to think freely. This is a non-judgemental space. And if you think you want to tell me that my theories are bullshit, please do. You can email me or DM on Instagram. Or you can even comment below.

I just won’t apologize anymore for who I am. I never feel that I have but that’s where I’m heading in 2021.

In 2020, I was healing from a very traumatic year. And I simultaneously lost a lot of friends because of it. As soon as I started sharing my truths, people stopped reaching out, I watched them read my message and not reply, and some even blocked me.

I lost clients. I lost friends. But I gained something even greater: peace within me once again.

So I can honestly say that 2020 may have been an equally trying year but it ended on a good note.

I realized that I have begun to heal.

I realized that I love me, and the only thing I want in this life is to make Jesus proud.

I put out a book and it’s doing bigger things than I even imagined it would.

I want people to find help, find hope, find friendship, and find authenticity when they look at me, read my words, or strike up a conversation with me.

I also want people to feel free to be their best self, always growing, always learning.

So as we close the book of 2020: with our eyes wide open no longer sleeping in a dreamlike state but awake to the corruption, secrets, and true pain of the world, I bid you to share your WALK AWAY-isms with me.

2020, you were a wild one but not like that handsome male stripper at the bachelorette party, more like that girl who drank too much and then ends up tripping in her own vomit presumably at the same party.

In 2021, I am walking away from:

  1. things and people who don’t serve me
  2. this idea that at 29 I still have to validate who I am to please people (EWW No thanks boo!)
  3. people who are on my social media watching but never congratulating me
  4. giving attention to anyone who I believe to be a false prophet in popular culture
  5. not living my life for me (stop telling me how to live or how often to post. I will do what I want, kthanks).
  6. anyone who makes me question the words of my Lord and Savior
  7. this idea that I have to have everything figured out by 30.
  8. that being single and pretty is one of the seven deadly sins
  9. that being single is strange or off-putting. You know what’s sad? You shaming single people.
  10. from the idea that my Asperger’s makes me less of a person.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, REMEMBER:

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